I Were Once So Strong, Because of You
by aKlainersHeart
Summary: Blaine has realised that Kurt will leave him next year to go to New York. He is devastated, he doesn't want the man who made him strong to leave him. Then, something happens. Something that might change everything. Blangst
1. Chapter 1

"Why the hell am I even watching this?" Blaine said to himself as he turned the TV off, that what standing on a program about financial stuff. But he didn't even care that he was watching a program he didn't care about for an hour.

He just had a crappy day. Finn was bogging him all day about how he was the leader and how Blaine should just let him give a pep-talk. Blaine knew what he was talking about and all he tried to do was help! He could just punch him in the face, right there, in the choir room . But he couldn't. He could control himself towards everyone. He could control himself towards Kurt.

Kurt, the only light at McKinley. If it wasn't for him, Blaine would have been long gone. Emotionally first then he would disappear from the world. If it wasn't for Kurt, Blaine would take his life. But now he had him, the one man who understood him and accepted him for who he was, anger problems and all. But even that must come to an end. Kurt will leave to New York in less than a year and Blaine would be alone, once more. The thoughts of his boyfriend leaving him didn't make him feel less miserable, it actually made him feel worse.

But he'll be stronger, for him, for Kurt. He won't lose himself, like he did before he met him. Because he knows, that if he does become weak again, Kurt will be devastated that he would be gone. So he won't give up, just for him. But if he was weak, he wouldn't know what to do. Boxing helps, but that's only temporary. And punching all your problems away won't help either. And if he would go cut again, Kurt would know. He always knew if there was a new one. Then he promised to stop, for him. But if he was gone, Blaine wasn't sure if he could keep his promise. It just helped to get the pain of Blaine's life go away. The pain of people saying he isn't good enough, always saying he isn't good enough. Whatever he did, if it was winning at polo, winning at Sectionals or Regionals, getting all good grades or being nice to everyone and helping wherever he could help them, it was never enough. But Kurt made him finally feel good enough and made him realize that he didn't care about what other people cared. And seeing his beautiful face every day made him remember that. But if he'll leave, he won't be remembered. He'll forget everything and go back to what it was before he met Kurt. Waking-up feeling like no one cared if he stayed there and die.

Blaine looked at the clock and realized he was lost in his thoughts for way to long. He stood up and went to bed, not even caring that he hadn't undressed or brushed his teeth. He laid in his bed, thinking about his life, eventually falling asleep. However, every hour or so he would wake up.

The nightmares had come back.


	2. Chapter 2

Blaine woke up, hearing the sound of his phone.

_Fuck, why so early? _He thought _Ohh crap, I had to wake up an hour ago!_

Kurt was already on his way to pick him up. How the hell would he be on time? He rolled out of his bed, still in the outfit he had on last night, ran to the bathroom to poor some water in his face. As he stood there, face wet and his hands on either side of the sink, he looked at the face in the mirror.

His eyes were red and puffy. He probably cried in his sleep again. His didn't even recognize himself anymore. Those red eyes are who he used to be, not who he is now. He looked at his razor, wanting to put it on his skin and watch as the blood would drop out. He picked it up, and held it close to his wrist where the old scars were visible. He wanted to, but he couldn't. Kurt wanted him to be strong, so he would. Blaine would be strong for him.

He dropped the razor and went to his phone to dial Kurt's number. Blaine was feeling so crappy, he didn't want Kurt to see him like this. He didn't want him to see him weak, in temptation to cut again.

He listened and after a few minutes he heard the voice of his boyfriend:"Hi Blaine, I'm almost at your house. Did you have nice dreams?"

"Yeah, about that, I'm not feeling so well. I think I should stay home."

"Ohh.." Blaine could hear the disappointment in his voice

"Are you really sick or are you to worried about my opinion on you?" Blaine didn't understand it, he didn't tell Kurt anything and yet , Kurt felt there was something wrong with him

"No, I think I have the flu"

"You're lying!" Blaine got scared by the anger in his boyfriends voice

"No, I'm not, I really am sick!" He knew Kurt would know eventually, but he tried to hold on for as long as possible

"I am always honest with you, when I feel like shit I tell you, because I know you will make me feel better, why don't you tell me? I can hear it in your voice, you started cutting again, didn't you?"

"No, I wanted, but I didn't. I swear, I didn't!" A tear escaped Blaine's eye. This silence was torture. Kurt didn't believe him. Blaine just knew. He was strong for him, and he doesn't believe it.

" I really didn't. I couldn't do it, I love you too much." Blaine's voice sounded desperate, he wanted Kurt to believe he was strong enough.

"Okay, just stop. I'll go to school and say you're sick. We'll talk about it after school."

"Kurt…"

"No, Blaine, I still don't believe you but…. We'll talk later, okay. I have to go if I talk to you longer I'll get distracted"

"Kurt…"

"NO, Blaine, we'll talk lat-..."

Blaine heard a bang and the connection was broken.

"KURT, KURT!" Blaine yelled, knowing it was hopeless. It was nothing for Kurt to disconnect in the midst of a sentence. And what was that bang? Was it him or was it near him? Did Kurt get into a car crash? And if he did, it would be Blaine's fault. He called him, he distracted him from driving. He had a fight with him over the phone. What if it was the last thing he would ever say to him? The last time he would hear his voice would then be in disbelieve about something Blaine didn't do. Please, God, someone, let this not be true. Let him live or take me in his place. Blaine punched the boxing bag that hangs in his room with anger and fell on his bed, crying, helpless, and wanting to know what happened.


	3. Chapter 3

His knuckles hurt, but he went on. At every punch he felt the wounds on his knuckles get bigger and filling his boxing gloves with fresh, red, blood. But boxing was the only thing that set his mind on something different than what might have happened to Kurt.

_No! _Blaine said to himself _Nothing happened to Kurt, he's just fine. In a few hours Kurt will walk through my door and hug me, as he always did. And I'll try everything to convince him I didn't cut myself this morning_.

"AAHH!"

That last punch really hurt him. He took off his gloves and looked at the open wounds on his hands. Blood was streaming out of the wounds and dropping on the floor.

Why was he even hurting himself like this? The bang was vague and he wasn't even sure if it was after the disconnection or during. And calling 911 wouldn't help a bit. He didn't know where Kurt was, what happened or if it even happened. So he would just sit here, his hand soaking in his own blood and tears crawling from his cheeks.

30 minutes passed by and Blaine stood up. He couldn't cry anymore, his eyes were cried out. He opened his drawer and grabbed the first-aid-box that was laying there and did bandage on his hand. His thoughts were blank. He did it so often, it was more common for him to bandage his hands or writs.

He was just done when the phone rang. He was surprised. Who would want to talk to him now? He looked at his phone and read the name: Kurt. Thank God, he was okay. He wasn't harmed, otherwise he couldn't be able to call him. He smiled as he picked up and called his name:

"Kurt!" He expected to hear his boyfriends voice, but heard a different one.

"Blaine, I don't know how to tell you this…" It was Carol's voice. It cracked, he could hear that she was crying. It was silent for over a minutes, but it felt like forever for Blaine. He knew what she had to say, and he was right.

"Blaine, honey, something happened to Kurt. He- he got in a car accident." Blaine's eyes got watery again, his body paralyzed and his hands started to shake. He couldn't speak, he had so many questions, but couldn't ask them.

"He is in a coma." Carol added, her voice cracking.

"Were is he?" Blaine was shocked by the conditions of his voice, it was cracking, like Carol's, and the tone was desperate. He wanted to see him.

"Blaine, I am not sure if that is a good decision."

"Were is he?" this time, the tone was filled with anger, he wanted to see him and he wanted to see him now.

"He's in the St. Thomas hospital. Don't drive yourself, you're not in the condition to-"

He hung up. He knew that is wasn't responsible to drive, but he didn't care. He wanted to see Kurt.

He grabbed his car keys, hands still shacking and ran to his car. He bumped a few times into walls, but ran further. As he reached his car and tried to put the keys into the car ignition but couldn't. He smashed his hands on the steering wheel, frustrated that he couldn't go. Carol was right, he wasn't in any state possible to drive, or even start the car. So he grabbed some money and ran to the bus stop.


	4. Chapter 4

The bus drive was the longest drive Blaine ever took. He sat there, staring ahead, holding in his tears. He didn't want other people to see him cry. People stared at him, wondering what was wrong, but knew it wasn't there place to ask. Blaine wasn't paying attention to the curious faces of the other people in the bus.

He was thinking of Kurt; his bright blue eyes, his smile that lights up the room and his arms, wrapped around him, a place where Blaine always felt at home. Just his arms holding him is all he'll ever need. But thinking about the fact that he might never have Kurt's arms around him and that the last conversation of them was an argument made it so much harder to hold in his tears.

_Don't think that_ Blaine thought to himself _Kurt is strong, he's far stronger than I am, he'll get through this._

He tried to make himself feel better, but deep down, he knew that Kurt had a chance to die.

The bus stopped and Blaine woke up from his thoughts. He was there: St. Thomas Hospital. He didn't know how fast to get off the bus. He wanted to get of this bus, this insecurity of not knowing and going into the hospital, seeing Kurt and knowing he'll be okay. Knowing he'll have another time Kurt's arms will be around him, holding him close to him.

He stood up, almost knocking over a women's grocery bags in his haste. He apologized, but the women somehow knew Blaine felt sad, so she said:

"It's okay." She looked at him and smiled, as if she knew the entire story "And I know she'll be fine."

She looked him in the eyes, like she really knew his loved one would be fine. He wanted to say: _I know he will_, but didn't. He nodded at her with a fake smile and moved on.

His pace was fast, his face was worried and his mind set to one thing: seeing Kurt. The rest didn't matter to him. He wanted to see Kurt, nobody could stop him.

"Hi, how can I help you?" the receptionist asked with a little smile

"Kurt Hummel, were is he?" only saying the name out loud made him tear up. And hearing himself say his name, made it worse

"I'm sorry, I can only tell family. Are you related with him?" Anger and fear filled Blaine, he didn't care if he wasn't related with Kurt. Kurt will be the person he marries and he wanted to fucking see him

"No, but I really want to see him, please" he said, holding himself back as good as he could, knowing that politeness might help

"I'm so sorry honey, but Mr. Hummel is in a coma, and in his state, I can only let family in"

"Tell me where he is!" Blaine said with anger, smacking his fist on the table. It hurt, his hands still were in bandages and covered in bruises from boxing. But it didn't lift his anger.

"Where is he?" he asked again, when the women didn't answer him.

"Sir, please calm down. Together we might come to a solution."

"No, I just want to see him!" he raised his voice so much that people around him (the ones that didn't notice him at first) turned their heads.

"Blaine?" a well-known voice said.

Blaine turned his head, surprised to hear his name and looked at Finn.

"What are you doing here?" Blaine asked confused, but hopeful that he might have a chance of seeing Kurt.

"I just needed some air." Even though Blaine never had a good relationship with Finn, there was one thing they had in common. They both cared for Kurt, although in a different way.

"Come, I'll show you where he is." Finn said, knowing Blaine didn't want to talk. He just wanted to see Kurt. Blaine didn't say anything. He looked his boyfriends half-brother in the eye, smiling through his tears. He was going to see Kurt. Everything will be okay now.


	5. Chapter 5

"Blaine, honey." Carol said as she threw herself in Blaine's arms. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"I just, I just-" she said, still embracing Blaine and slightly sobbing on his shoulder. Blaine felt his shoulder getting wet from her tears. Blaine mind was blank, but he could feel his eyes tearing up, he didn't want to cry, so he held it in. But he wasn't sure how long he would manage to pull it off.

"I had to tell you, you needed to know" She said, almost as if it was impossible to keep this from him and it was easier to tell him straight up. She told it him like it was the hardest thing to do. Telling him that his boyfriend had a car accident, that he is in a coma, and that Blaine was the last person he ever talked to.

Blaine couldn't hold it any longer. His tears were hold back for far too long. Finn, who was standing behind Carol, nodded to Blaine, almost giving him permission to cry.

Finn knew he was holding it back, he would never know how painful it is to be in his position, but admired his strength to be able to keep it in. To hear that your loved one is hurt, and so dangerously, must be the worst thing in the world and keeping it in, must cost so much energy. But he shouldn't anymore, he was now safe. He was with people who cared for him.

Blaine looked back at Finn, knowing he was right. He was holding his tears for too long. He held his tears in for so long, it was literally hurting him. So he desisted to give in to his pain and let it out.

He pressed Carol closer, put his head on her shoulder, holding her tight and started to let it all out. All the pain came out, the feeling of possibly being responsible for Kurt's accident, the feeling of being alone and that he might lose the one person who loves him, no matter what.

Through his pain, Carol's arms felt nice. It felt motherly when her arms slowly stocked his back. It felt nice, it felt somehow safe. Her hands, stroking his back made him feel that it will be fine, that everything will get back to place. Kurt will wake up, and they'll live happily ever after.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Burt. His eyes were also puffy and red from crying. He didn't say anything, he just looked at Blaine, slightly squeezing his shoulder. Blaine looked at him, seeing a man, he always thought to be strong, being weak. He saw that Burt was lost, he didn't know what was to happen to Kurt. To his son.

Burt looked at the loved one of his son, who was crying in the arms of his wife. The man who made his son happy, was now in tears.

"Blaine…." Burt said after a while, his voice cracking , eyes watery

"Do you want to see him?"


	6. Chapter 6

Blaine walked into the room, shaking, with eyes filled with tears. Kurt laid in the middle of the room. It was dark, all the curtains were closed and the light was very dimed. He laid somehow peacefully. Almost like he was asleep, but also not like he was asleep. It was almost as if he wasn't there. He had machines all around him, softly making noises. His skin was even paler than normal and his head was covered in bandage. His arms were covered with bruises and small cuts.

Blaine stood there, looking in the room and feeling a rush of guilt. Was it his fault that Kurt was here? At the thought of this Blaine started crying again. He ran over to Kurt's bedside, kneeling next to him and grabbed his hand. It felt warm, yet empty.

"Kurt, Kurt, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have called you. This is all my fault." He whispered in his hand. He held his hand to his face and let his tears drop down Kurt's cold, pale hand.

After an unknown number of minutes, Blaine thought he would be strong enough to stand. He tried, but when he looked down at Kurt, he fell down again. He wasn't strong enough. He grabbed Kurt's hand again and whispered through his tears.

_I'm so sorry, Kurt. I'm not strong like you. You will get through this, but if I can, I don't know._

"The car drove to fast." He heard Burt say. He spoke softly, like he was more saying this to himself then to Blaine.

"Kurt did nothing wrong. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time. The man who drove the car only has a broken leg, and Kurt, Kurt is struggling to stay alive." Blaine knew Burt was crying, there was something about his voice that made Blaine sure.

"Kurt did nothing wrong, and is on the edge of death and the man who did everything wrong will be fine in a month or two."

"Life is strange like that" Blaine somehow managed to say, his voice cracking so heavily he didn't even know if Burt even understand him, or even was paying attention to Blaine, and just saying this to comfort himself.

"He was lucky though. If the ambulance would have come five minutes later, he would have been gone already."

"But is it worse now that we have to wait until he dies? Until that moment when he's gone from our lives?" Blaine said with trouble, as if saying the words would make them true.

"It is for us, but Kurt is a strong man, the strongest man I've ever know. And I hope he will make it." Burt said, being so close to shutting down.

It was quite for a while. Blaine was still on his knees by Kurt's bedside, softly stroking his hand.

"They say his brain is damaged. These machines are breathing for him, and they don't know if he'll wake up." Burt talked seriously, the sadness disappearing in his voice.

Blaine looked towards Kurt's closed eyes. _This isn't Kurt. This is his body, but he's gone. _He thought. _This is Kurt's body, but there was something missing_. And Blaine could feel it. His boyfriend was laying in this hospital bed, but he was gone. Kurt will never come back.


	7. Chapter 7

Blaine and Burt stayed the night, next to Kurt's bedside. They knew Kurt might leave them, but not when. And if it happened, they wanted to be there. No one complained, they knew how hard it must be for them. Losing your son, your friend or your love. But for Blaine, Kurt was more than his love. He was the one who made him to who he is today. Kurt made him proud to be who he was, made him smile, and made him feel less lonely. Without Kurt, Blaine wouldn't have been here. And Blaine knew Kurt wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for him. Kurt had a rough time, and Blaine made him feel stronger. They helped each other. But if Blaine could continue without Kurt, without the man who made him strong, who made him accept who he was, that was the question.

Burt had left to get some coffee, so Blaine was alone in the room with Kurt. He was still holding his hand, he wanted to for as long as he could. With the other hand he stroked his cold, pale cheek.

_I love you, Kurt. And I will always do so. But without you, I don't know if I can love myself. I don't know if I can get through the days without your smile cheering me up. I don't know if I can go to school, every day, see people I know and act like nothing happened, like I'm fine. I know I can't, Kurt. I can't live without you. I want your arms around me, I want to hear your voice, and I want to be there for you. I want to hold you when your sad and tell you that it is going to be fine during hard times. You did those things for me, I want to do them for you._

"He has 4 hours" Burt spoke softly, voice cracking. He was holding in his tears. Blaine looked at him, not understanding what he was saying. Did he mean Kurt would die in 4 hours? And if so, how did he know?

"I just talked to the doctor. He said his brain is severally damaged. His chance of waking up isn't there. And if somehow he would, he wouldn't be the same. He would live on, but not like he was before. We lost him." Blaine knew that Kurt would leave him, but the words still hurt so much more than he thought they would.

"They'll be pulling the plug in 4 hours. He'll die a gentle death, his family surrounding him." Burt said, his hand on Blaine's shoulder and his eyes on his son.

"He wouldn't have wanted for you to be here. He knew you wouldn't be able to handle it."

"I know" Blaine said, through the steam of tears. Kurt knew that Blaine wouldn't be capable of seeing his boyfriend die, and Blaine wanted to respect his final wish.

He looked at Kurt, for the last time. Stroked his cheek one more time, bend over and gave him a final kiss goodbye.

_I love you, Kurt. I always have and always will. I will remember you as I knew you, not as you are now. Goodbye Kurt_


	8. Chapter 8

Blaine somehow got home. If he went with the bus or if one of his parents drove him, he didn't know. His mind was black, his thoughts were empty. He didn't talk, he just stared. When he came home, he walked upstairs slowly, his mind still black. He didn't even meant to walk to his room, it was more of an instinct. He opened the door, but couldn't walk in.

Everything in his room remembered him of Kurt. His bed, where they talked for hours, his desk, where they sat together, making homework and even his window reminded him of Kurt.

He felt the pain coming up again. The pain of losing Kurt, the pain of being alone. He will never see Kurt again. The thought if this made his knees weak. He fell on the floor, hurting his knees, but he didn't care. No physical pain will ever cover the emotional pain he was feeling. He spend an hour, lying on the floor, crying, and thinking of Kurt. Not the last days, but this last year. He thought of the first time they met, the first time they sung, their first kiss, their first date, and their first time. Blaine would never be able to do that again. He would never sing with him again, kiss him, go on a date with him or be intimate with him ever again. It was over.

After a while, he stood up again. He was lost, he didn't know what to do. Somehow taking a bath felt like a good thing to do.

He took his clothes off, not even caring where the hell he threw them, let the tub fill and let his body soak in the water. Looking in the mirror wasn't an option, knowing he wouldn't recognize the man standing before him.

While he washed his arms, he noticed the wound on his knuckles still hasn't healed. It was red and it hurt when he touched it. He recognized the pain, it was similar to the touch of a blade to his skin. He looked over at the razorblade laying at the edge of the tub. The razorblade with so much stories, with so much pain. He grabbed it, watched as the sharp blades shined in the light of the bathroom.

_Kurt wouldn't want me to do it, but Kurt is gone. _

He pressed it against his skin, feeling the blade penetrate his skin. He looked at the fresh blood dripping from his arm.

_I'm so sorry, Kurt. I once were so strong because of you, but now that you're gone, I know I'm not the strong man you made me. I can't live without you, I won't live without you. _

He pressed the blade to his skin again, this time, pressing as hard as he could and making a long cut all over his forearm. It hurt, but not nearly as bad as the feeling of living without Kurt.

_You're leaving now too, I can feel it. I'm sorry, Kurt. But I'm coming to you. _

_I'm leaving as well. _


	9. Epilogue

Blaine Anderson was a strange case for me as a forensic scientist. It was a simple investigation, the young boy committed suicide, he slit his wrists, and by the look of the scars on his arms, it wasn't the first time. The boy was depressed, got bullied for who he was and therefore started cutting. However, when I started talking with his friends, I came across another conclusion. Blaine was in love. The boy who he loved, Kurt Hummel named, made him happy again. Made him feel like he wasn't alone in this stinking world filled with people who were prejudice toward him. But Kurt got in an car accident. The police report stated that the driver who hit him drank too much. He got 10 years. The family didn't even care, I could see they wanted him to be punished, but it would never bring their boy back. Kurt Hummel had extreme brain damage, caused by the impact of the car. A chance for him waking up from his coma wasn't there. I believe this is what broke Blaine Anderson. Seeing that his love would leave him. His love for Kurt was so immense that he couldn't live on without him. And somehow Kurt felt in touch with Blaine.

I asked for some information from the doctor who "pulled his plug". He said it was a soft death, his breathing stopped, and his heart slowly stopped beating. But there was one thing he couldn't place. At one time, just before his heart stopped beating, he saw a tear coming from Kurt's eye. It was fast and small, but the doctor knew what he saw.

I was curious, so I compared the times of death of the two boys. They were about the same. That was when I started thinking:

Could the two lovers somehow be connected?

Could Kurt feel that his boyfriend just killed himself, because he couldn't bare being without him?

Was the love of these men so strong?

I firmly believe so.

I've never been so pro gay marriage, but the story of these young men made me turn my opinion around. They cared for each other, protected each other and loved each other. They loved each other so much, one couldn't live without the other. They loved each other so much, one of them felt the other was slipping away.

I've worked as a forensic scientist for over 15 years. I've seen things. But I've never seen something comparable to this. I've felt love, I've seen it, but never have I seen it so strong as the love of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.

And that is how I'll remember them; as the two most in love persons I ever knew, and ever will know.


End file.
